Sindye Alexander
If you’ve worked in child care long enough, you know this: our work is joyful, but it’s also stressful. Long days, high energy, emotional parents, and constant multitasking can make even the best teams feel tension from time to time.
In my years of interviewing candidates, I’ve asked hundreds of people the same question:
“If you had a conflict with a coworker, how would you resolve it?”
Almost every single person gives the same textbook-perfect answer:
“I’d first try to talk to them myself, and if we couldn’t resolve it, I’d go to the director.”
That is absolutely the right answer—but here’s the problem. In reality, this rarely happens.
Instead, I’ve seen it go another way: the conflict gets whispered about in the staff lounge, vented about during lunch breaks, or texted to friends. Gossip spreads. Feelings get hurt. Before long, the original problem is buried under layers of mistrust, and now I’m stepping in as the director to keep the relationship from falling apart.
It doesn’t have to be that way.
Why Conflict Happens (And Why It’s Not Always Bad)
First, let’s normalize it: conflict is not a sign of a broken team—it’s a sign of a human team. According to a CPP Global Human Capital Report, 85% of employees experience workplace conflict to some degree, and nearly 30% say they deal with it “constantly.”
In child care, this can stem from:
- Differences in teaching styles
- Communication breakdowns during stressful moments
- Misunderstandings about responsibilities
- Clashing personalities
Handled well, conflict can actually strengthen a team. But handled poorly, it damages trust, creates silos, and impacts the quality of care for the children.
Your Step-by-Step Plan to Resolve Conflict
The next time tension bubbles up between you and a coworker, here’s how to handle it like the professional you are.
- Pause Before You React
When emotions run high, your first reaction might not be your best one. Take a breather—step outside for a moment, drink some water, or wait until you’re calm enough to speak without raising your voice.
- Keep it Off the Gossip Circuit
Never complain about a coworker to other staff. Not only is it unprofessional, but it also spreads negative energy and turns others into “sides” rather than supporters.
- Get Clear on the Real Issue
Write down exactly what’s bothering you. Is it truly the coworker’s behavior, or is it the stress of the day magnifying the issue? Seeing it in writing helps you separate emotional reactions from genuine concerns.
- Choose the Right Time and Place
Ask to speak privately, ideally when you’re both off the clock and away from distractions. The break room during lunch rush is not the place for a heart-to-heart.
- Speak Calmly and Specifically
Avoid phrases like “You always” or “You never,” which sound accusatory. Instead, try:
“When the schedule changes without warning, it makes it hard for me to prepare my lesson. Could we agree to discuss changes in advance?”
- Listen Without Interrupting
Show the same courtesy you want in return. Let them finish, ask clarifying questions, and acknowledge their perspective—even if you don’t agree with it.
- Brainstorm Solutions Together
Come prepared with ideas, but also be open to theirs. The best resolutions meet both people’s needs.
- Bring in Leadership When Needed
If you’ve tried to work it out but can’t find common ground, involve your director—not as a referee, but as a neutral facilitator.
Quick Tips for Conflict Success
- Start with Something Positive – A sincere compliment helps set a cooperative tone.
Example: “I really appreciate how patient you were with the toddlers this morning—can we talk about how we’re handling cleanup time?”
- Deal with One Issue at a Time – Stick to the current problem instead of piling on.
Example: If you’re discussing how snack prep is handled, don’t bring up last month’s disagreement about playground duty.
- Find Common Ground – Focus on shared goals rather than differences.
Example: “We both want our preschoolers to have smooth transitions—let’s figure out a way to make this less stressful for both of us.”
- Avoid Assumptions – Don’t guess at motives; clarify instead.
Example: Instead of thinking, “She’s late because she doesn’t care,” ask, “Was there something holding you up this morning?”
- Let Go When Necessary – If the issue is small and no resolution seems possible, agree to disagree.
Example: You may prefer the block area cleaned a certain way, but if the children are safe and happy, it might not be worth debating.
- Be Specific, Not Vague – Pinpoint the exact behavior that’s a concern.
Example: Instead of “You never help with prep,” say, “I noticed I’ve been setting up circle time alone most mornings—can we split that task?”
- Stay Present – Focus on what’s happening now.
Example: Don’t say, “You always leave the art table messy,” when the current conversation is about today’s schedule swap.
- Use “I” Statements – Keep the focus on your feelings, not accusations.
Example: “I felt overwhelmed when I had to watch both classrooms this afternoon without notice.”
- Watch Your Tone and Body Language – Keep your delivery as calm as your words.
Example: Folding your arms while saying “It’s fine” sends a very different message than relaxed, open posture and eye contact.
- Seek Win-Win Outcomes – Look for solutions that benefit both sides.
Example: If you need help with end-of-day cleanup and your coworker prefers mornings, swap so each gets their preferred time while tasks are covered.
- Give It Time if Needed – Take a break when emotions are high.
Example: “I’m feeling frustrated right now—can we come back to this after nap time when we’re both calmer?”
- End on a Positive Note – Reinforce teamwork before leaving the conversation.
Example: “Thanks for working through this with me—I think the new plan will make things easier for both of us.”
An Example in Action
I once had two teachers who were constantly frustrated with each other over classroom transitions. Each felt the other was “dumping work” on them at shift change. Instead of addressing it directly, they vented to other staff—creating a tense atmosphere in both classrooms.
We brought them together in a private meeting.
Each shared their perspective without interruption.
They realized they had both been making assumptions about the other’s intentions.
They created a simple plan: a 5-minute overlap to review the day and prep for the next shift.
Within a week, the tension was gone—and they later became close friends.
The Big Picture for Child Care Owners
If you’re a center owner or director, your role isn’t just to enforce rules—it’s to foster a culture where staff feel empowered to resolve conflicts respectfully. Train your team on these skills, model them yourself, and make it clear that gossip is never a substitute for direct communication.
When conflicts are resolved early, you protect your culture, strengthen your team, and keep your focus where it belongs—on the children.